Become Assertive

We can't all be naturally self-confident, and many of us are deeply insecure in some way. The scary part is we might not even be consciously aware. But often we are, and we put on masks to hide from it or focus on escapism.

My assertiveness was hard-fought. Often people are pushed to a breaking point. If you're pushed again and again, you often develop a defense mechanism where you act hard and cut people off with no chances.

Many mistake this for self-confidence. It isn’t. It's withdrawal. It's protection. But it's not healthy because we can only develop strong bonds with people who tiptoe around us and think we're a bit unstable. We can't truly open up because there is only fear.

The Myth of Confidence

So how can we escape insecurity and our defense mechanisms? How can we become truly comfortable and confident?

The good news is you don't have to deal with everything that ever happened to you to develop this. Assertiveness isn't necessarily about being comfortable or confident. You can feel deeply uncomfortable with yourself and still not let other people push you around.

6 Techniques to Develop Assertiveness

1. Ask yourself: "If this person was saying this to a child, would it be messed up?"

This perspective shift helps you identify unfair treatment. I could never trust my gut in these situations but over time this question has helped me train it.

2. State how you feel.

You should always be allowed to express your feelings. Toxic people out themselves quickly by suppressing or denying your feelings. Say stuff like “I feel X” also feels a lot more comfortable and less rude than being more demanding.

3. Role-play difficult scenarios.

In the mirror, in your head, with your friend, or even a pro. There are even some online support groups that do this, though I personally haven’t tried it. There are even therapists and social workers who specialize in this area.

4. Practice saying "no" without explanation.

A simple "No, thank you" is often sufficient. And if it’s not, you have to begin wondering why this person doesn’t respect you.

5. Set and maintain clear boundaries. Identify your limits and communicate them consistently.

Sadly, we never wake up one day and have perfection. That’s the difference between walls (the example from above of pushing everything away) and boundaries. I wish it was set it and forget it, but we have to constantly maintain them. Labelling things should never become an issue with safe people.

6. Use "I" statements to express needs without blaming others.

For example, "I feel frustrated when plans don't start on time." I mention this above but I feel like it’s important even in non-boundary setting situations. If people don’t know how you feel, they might not realize they are trouncing your boundaries or you even have a problem. Normal people when they realize you feel some type away try to modify their behavior (assuming you aren’t simply manipulating them) or come to a new solution together. That’s mutual respect and a relationship built on communication. You may sometimes feel differently… the goal isn’t to punish people but so everyone knows where each others head is at. If you feel caught unawares, it’s often because no one is sharing their true feelings or intentions because we are uncomfortable, even with people we love.

Bounding Boxes and Boundaries

You never come perfectly assertive. Be patient with yourself and celebrate any time you advocate for yourself.

You deserve to be heard and respected. It's time to claim that right. Other people will let you in and you will attract better relationships and caring people overall.

Try one of these techniques if you never have before or if you’re already an expert do a quick reality check on your existing boundaries. How are you feeling now?  Would love to hear if any of this was new to you or helps!

I appreciate and value you!

Lucas